It won’t stop. The memory of you won’t leave me ever it seems. I sit her rocking myself back and forth like a mother does with her baby, so it will shut the fuck up. I need to shut the fuck up, and rock my ass to sleep. These deadlines don’t just automatically go the hell away.
Neither do these memories. The memories in which I’m hung up on, enriching my daily life with more pain. Reminding me that everything I thought was worth a damn is no more, and never actually really was. I look at woman that I’ve elected to be my mate in my marooned state, and watch her morph into a sloppy plate of disgust.
Nothing much has really changed across time. I’m still a reliable idiot, who sticks it out the end despite eminent system failures, and crash of the star-ship enterprise on Talos IV. The warm glow of this monitor keeps me company as I type words of past, present, and future disgust.
You won’t leave because I’ve been designed to be perfect, only flawed by ignorance and doberman-grade loyalty. Everything that I see which is beautiful, reminds me that I’m just a bigger failure than expected. I try not to think and appreciate. I try to exist, but life has a way of making its own fucking rules, and telling you who is boss.
I’m in touch with reality and life in the sense that I predict the patterns that will shift with the tide. Big whoop right? It’s a fucking curse. I am a pattern predictor though. My heart is just beating, letting me know that I am indeed alive. It also lets me know that it is very hard to let go of the past, which is coincidentally my future. That bench mark which lets me know where we land in the great scheme of things is nothing more than a farce.
I want to go back home to my time, and place of existance so bad, but this will never happen. Pictures of the future fade like memories of the past. I’m allready dead, and now I have to figure out how I will carry on for the rest of my days here.
Whatever it may be in the end of days, I still love you — forsaken future and blotched botched up past, I still love you very much.